Not so much about things

Wow..

I hope everyone had such a wonderful Christmas as we have. This year was just incredibly blessed. I'm overwhelmed...

It wasn't the things, though we finally had a decent haul under the tree, due to some good luck. The kids were very satisfied with what they received: new jackets, some Lush bath stuff and a couple of the "Twilight" books for the daughter, "Perfect Pushups" and a seat massager for the boy, plus the Xbox system to replace their stolen one as our family gift. B got a table saw and a brad nailer, and I got some of the best gifts EVER: a handful of new paintbrushes, a french press from Starbucks, and A NEW WACOM INTUOS 3 GRAPHIC TABLET!!!!!!!!!! Wa HOOO!!

For the uninitiated, this means that rather than trying to draw and do digital detail work by using a big and clunky mouse, I can now use the digitizing tablet to paint and draw. The pen has incredible control. I've been playing with it a little bit, in between things. It has been number one on my wish list for several years, and B is a hero. I never expected such a wonderful gift. The thought that went into the choice of my gifts is illuminative... this man is so supportive of my little 'hobbies'. "Go... paint... play" he told me last night.

So we got some great things, and had a wonderful day. We got up early, just B and I, and spent it lazy after we stuffed stockings and prepped the area, savoring our coffee and the paper before we woke anyone up. The grand event was cool, as Christmas morning always is, and since we were all sleepy we went back to nap for a couple of hours. We had a little glitch when we got up - the kids wanted to go out to Grandma's, and B wasn't in the mood for visiting, so he decided to stay home and prepare the rib roast while we did our thing. This, mind you, is a HUGE change in my kids. I've always had to pry them out of the house to go to Grandma's.

You know, I would have just as soon stayed home as well. I have to admit that I was loath to leave my new toys just to venture out into a foot of snow to go visiting, particularly since we'll be seeing them again on Saturday for the 'official' Christmas dinner, when my brother and his fiance can make it down from their city. And I haven't driven our new car very much in the winter conditions, so it makes me a little bit nervous. But once we got there, I was so glad we did. Mom and Dad were glad to see us, welcoming us with cheese and crackers and cookies and hot tea.

I have to stop here to note that my relationship with the rest of my family has been rocky over the years. Seldom have they approved of anything I've done, and it's been a strained relationship at best. I'm afraid that it's leaked into my kids' relationship with their grandparents as well; whether that comes from the kids being tainted by my own black sheep status, or whether they've sensed my reluctance to interact with the larger family group and picked up on it, I don't know. Whatever the reason, since B has been with us I have been seeing some major changes in both my kids and my parents. I'm somewhat bewildered by it, and don't quite know what to make of it all.

Anyway, we had a great time out there. They boys all trooped out to the garage for awhile to go see Grandpa's project car, which had been freshly painted (purple!), and my daughter and mom and I sat inside and chatted in the kitchen. Mom and I talked for a long time about church, and how she's found a new home at the one she goes to, and how happy it's made her. Sitting there talking about God made me want to cry. It's one of the few sticking points between B and I yet.

I'm not a rabid churchgoer, but I had a church that I went to once upon a time, back when I was married to an abuser and hurting and searching for a place where I could feel whole and safe again. That was the most amazing feeling - to walk into a building and sit down and feel safe, to feel as if I'd come home. I remember crying through many sermons, sitting there in the very back pew with my Goodwill clothes and my baby, trying to hide from the world. Somehow when I went on those occasions, that man up in front of the big cross was always talking directly to me. How he knew just exactly what to say, just what was happening in my life, right at that exact moment, I never knew, other than to ascribe it to God. I've gone to a couple of other churches to try them out on the advice of friends, but never felt that feeling anywhere else.

B came from a Mormon family that was excommunicated and wanted nothing more to do with any other sort of God, so faith had no place in his life. And I think he really believes that God has sent the PD to punish him. Deep down, there's a hurt and an anger at being so betrayed by God. So he drifts, bearing all of his burdens on himself alone. They're all his problems alone, and all he can do is deal with them. He doesn't mind my having my own beliefs, but he doesn't share them. And in a way, that hurts the most of all. Will I lose him forever when I lose him to this world? Maybe it wouldn't resonate so much if the disease weren't there, reminding me daily that someday we'll be apart, maybe because we believe different things and he won't be able to follow, maybe because I'm the one who is wrong and there IS no afterlife. And of all the things in the world that I fear, it's losing him.

Mom and I sat and talked for a while about it, and I confessed some of those thoughts and fears, and I was shocked to find how fragile I felt about it all. I was shocked at the feeling that I wanted my Mom, after all these years; wanted her to tell me it was all going to be okay. Big strong me, who never needed anybody.

And then we all opened our gifts, and I was undone all over again.

I feel like this past year for a large part has been about deconstructing me. Taking away the hard edges and replacing them with soft, tearing down the protective walls I've built for so long, leaving me to face all of the things I've feared and vanquish them. Taking away the false beliefs... the destructive self-talk; changing that record. I've found a peace and a joy that hadn't ever been there before.

I brought the gift my parents gave me home to share with B. The gift cards were nice, but unremarkable. He opened and read the card, which was the real gift. In my mother's handwriting, she told us to take the gift cards and get out for an 'adult night' to see a movie and have dinner at the city's nicest restaurant. She told B how much they had come to love and care for him, and that they had seen our little family grow and blossom since he'd come there to unlock it. And she said to me how proud she was of the woman I'd become.

My B, my treasure, my precious man, took me in his arms and held me. "I'm leaking again" I apologised.

"Do you feel like you have your mom back?" he whispered in my hair, holding me tight. And then I knew I was leaking.

I'm not sure how or where I'll take my next footfall on this path. The terrain is so unfamiliar and all the things I've done before don't work here. This is all new. My whole life is new. All of the relationships in my life have changed. There is only one thing I know: I want to push through the curtain and see what's on the other side.

I am so overwhelmed - we are so blessed.