Unsunny Monday

WELL, it's Monday.

I got up this morning to go set our shower up for the day, and found the whole shower stall covered in blue splatters. The girl has dyed her hair blue-streaked again, and left the whole bathroom in disarray. It was time to pick the fight.

Fifteen to 20 minutes of screaming females and B was ready to hibernate in the garage forever. lol Integrating this little family has been difficult. The fight edged away from the blue shower and into why I don't spend enough time with the kids and she feels I spend too much time with B. I countered with the fact that she's never home to SPEND time with... but the truth is, she has a point. I've been feeling it for awhile, the torn-mother syndrome. I need to be cloned... No matter what I do, I feel like I'm neglecting someone.

But it's not just me. At the end of the argument, came more of the truth. All of her friends but one have dropped out of school over the last year. She and her BFF are the only ones left. Her social circle has shrunk to a dot. She, my social butterfly. I feel her frustration, and can only hug her. We agree to try to find common ground.

In the bedroom and later in the shower, B is quiet. His movements are shaky, slow and subdued. We pushed much too hard yesterday to finish all of our little projects, far past his reserve. He is fatigued to begin with, and then this bombshell this morning. He has heard all of the argument, standing outside the door listening to her incriminations of his love for me. I can feel it all over him. He radiates it. "No." I tell him. "Don't own this problem. It's not you." But I know he feels responsible.

He says "I never wanted to come between you and your children". And I know he's right, and she is right, and I am right, and somehow we are all right and all wrong and I don't know how to fix it. I want somewhere to find some common ground for us all to meet on, to come together. I need the kids to understand his limitations, without him feeling like a burden. I need him to feel like he belongs, rather than living on the fringe of my life, waiting for crumbs to fall from the table where my kids would eat like ravenous wolves if I let them.

But they are my children, flesh of my flesh. And they've been battered for so long by the conflict in this household. They need me... it was one of the primary reasons I got the divorce. The time for healing has become so short. They're both nearly gone.

But B is my soul-mate, my heart, my beloved. We will be together long after these children make their lives separately from our own. If we do not build this relationship, this foundation, strong and secure, we will be lost from the start. If there's anything I've learned, it is that. This relationship is far too precious to lose. And we're losing time... how much longer will B have these days when he feels well enough to do things?

So how do I make the compromise? How do I make everyone happy?

Dear God... please send me wisdom and understanding. And hold these hurting people in your hands.