Flagellation

IT has not been a good day.

We have some big plans for the weekend.  We made them last Monday, when we got a little windfall.  The plan was for B to get a new battery for his pickup after work Tuesday or Wednesday, then we'd run up to Lowe's or Home Depot to get the materials to enclose our back porch.  It's a project we've been wanting to do for some time. 

He drew up the plans and I jotted a materials list.  But somehow, over the course of the week we just didn't get it done. 

Today we finally split up in the evening - me with the girl, to go get her tabs, and him to go get the battery.  He got it, we met back here, and put it in the truck.  It was only 5:00, so I thought we should run up to the store to get the materials, so we could get started early in the morning.  Big mistake.

Once we got there, the frustration began.  We had made a plan - to do the framing on two of the three walls and stop there until we could get the doors shuffled around.  (We are moving the sliding glass door out into the new sunroom wall, and putting a regular door in its place, from the house out to the sunroom)  That's what the materials list was for, and that was the plan.  Once we got there, the plan changed.  He talked himself into finishing the inside of the walls too, then talked himself out of it.  We had decided on windows, then he talked himself out of those, too.  They were too big.  Then they were okay.  Then when we'd picked new ones, he wondered if he should be working on the doors first instead.  We had a very patient associate helping us, but I finally cut him loose and told him we'd find him when we were ready.  After a long long time, I was getting frustrated. 

It happens like this all the time.  The home building stores are a tool of the devil, I swear.  B can get absolutely lost in there.  It's like a kid in a candy store.  He doesn't know what to look at first.  We can go in for sandpaper and come out with a light fixture, speaker wire, 2x4's, batteries, paintbrushes... and it doesn't matter if we don't have a use for them.  For some reason, those places absolutely scramble his brain.  

I try to stay patient.  God knows, I do.  I try to understand that he can't help it.  But after two and a half hours in Lowes waffling back and forth and ultimately NOT BUYING ANYTHING I had to leave, or I was going to leave without my sanity.  I have extreme sympathy for men who have to accompany us women shoe shopping, because THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS LIKE. 

He gets to this point sometimes, and it's typically at the home centers.  We call it 'spinning' or 'spinning out', because that's exactly what it's like.  The motor's going, ninety miles an hour, in fact - but the wheels aren't getting any purchase so the car ain't going anywhere. 

I realized on my way to the register (with a cart full of little 'stuffs' that we found along the way) that he hadn't taken his 6 p.m. meds, and it was at about that time that he crashed hard.  I sent him to take his pills at the water fountain while I checked out, and we came home, no closer to knowing what we'll be doing for the weekend than we were when we went in. 

I am frustrated.  More than that, I'm ashamed to be frustrated, because he can't help it.  I know that I can't expect him to be perfect all the time.  I know, too, that I can't expect him to be able to get through Lowes or Home Depot in less than an hour.  It's aggravating, yes... but it is what it is. 

My stomach is balled up in knots tonight, and I know I need to let it go.  But the little voice in the back of my brain keeps reminding me that if we could ever make a plan and stick to it we'd be further ahead.  I had better get my mind around the fact right now that there may not be plans like I like to make in the future.  I need to become more flexible.  I need to have more faith in him.  I know he knows what he's doing.   But his sense of time drives me crazy. 

Here in this blog is the place where I self-flagellate, and also blow off steam.  I'm going to wear myself out here, so that I can let it go and smile when I go out to interact with him.  I value B more than I do any stupid project.  But that doesn't mean I'm not weak, and human.  It's springtime.  It's warm out.  And I don't want to sit another weekend in the house doing laundry and being idle on the puter, waiting for him to decide to do something.  I like to build, too. 

The home stores used to be my favorite place to go, but I can barely rouse myself to do them now.  They mean a whole host of things:  projects that I will never get to help do, things I want to do but am not good enough at, a colossal waste of valuable time off, and potential frustration and conflict between us.  And that just isn't worth it anymore.

I hope tomorrow's trip BACK to Lowes will prove to be both quicker and more fruitful.  I will say that this is the last project, but we all know it won't be.